I was on The Jamhole last week, a very cool podcast from Montana with a guy named Mat and a gal named Danni. Before that I was on Hotcakes, a Canadian podcast that has made me laugh many a time. This week I got an email from Josh at Big Mouths Podcast with an MP3 attachment of an unsolicited commercial for ErotoToys.com. That’s right, an unsolicited commercial!

Now, I know most people out there don’t realize the level of work or time involved in writing, recording and producing a 30 second clip of this nature, but I do (because I’m either an autodork or a deceptidork, not sure yet, maybe I should check the symbol on my chest, Michael Bay, you assfuck). But I digress.

In any case, we really appreciate your bad ass commercial, Josh! You rock.

I don’t know how this happened really. I just like podcasts. Why wouldn’t you? It’s free entertainment by accessible people all over the world. The great thing about podcasts is that anyone can start one. The bad thing about podcasts is that anyone can start one. There’s a lot of garbage out there, but in the rough there a re a few diamonds. I have found many of them and will do you, YES YOU THE READER OF THIS, a favor and list some must-listen-to-podcasts here for you to check out:

Stereo Radiation
Hotcakes Podcast
The Jamhole
Big Mouths Podcast

Some are a little more easy to listen to than others (especially for the easily offended). In fact, if you think you are easily offended in the most basic sense then don’t listen to any of these podcasts, cause you’re probably not their target audience. However, if you have a good sense of humor and want to hear some very funny and potentially offensive dialog, by all means….

My first contact with a penis pump came on the day of my home inspection.  Me and my new wife were in the process of purchasing our first home, a condo in downtown Atlanta.  The two-story loft wasn’t very big, but it had a nice view of the downtown skyline and the gated community was quite nice with rolling green hills and lots of trees.  On this particular day me and my wife were meeting our somewhat attractive but obviously conservative female realtor and a home inspector to “kick the tires” prior to the closing.  The inspector was very thorough.

My wife wasn’t very happy that day.  She had gone with me to look at aprtments previously and we had seen a similar apartment in the same gated community.  In fact, the apartment we had seen previously had the exact same floorplan but was located on the opposite end of the community.  She hadn’t seen the one we were buying because she was busy with something else that day but she gave me the OK, so I signed on the dotted line.  Now, she regretted it.  Although the apartment was very similar, it lacked some of the extra flair.  I tried to explain that we could add our own home improvements with the $15,000 we were saving on the purchase price.  She cried and got grumpy.

Just then I hear my name being called from somewhere else in the house.  It’s the inspector.  He wants me to follow him up into the attic so that I can see something up there.  I follow him up, flashlight in hand.

“See that?” the inspector said.

“Yeah” I answered.

“That could be a problem.  Someone could come in here from the apartment next door when you’re not in.”  

He was pointing to a very large hole in the wall in the attic that obviously led to the adjacent apartment.  He advised me that I should get the condo association to patch up the hole that could obviously be a security risk.  I nodded as agreed as my eyes scaned the rest of the space.  That’s when I saw it.

Lying in between two beams, on top of some insulation, was a black penis pump.  I stared at it in disbelief.  There are times in life when you expect to see a penis pump.  This wasn’t one of them.

That was the moment that the attractive realtor decided to poke her head up through the attic door.  She saw me looking at something and turned to see what it was.  I looked back at her as she looked directly at the penis pump and tried very hard not to laugh.  She didn’t miss a beat, continuing to talk to the inspector about the hole and what could be done about it.  After a few minutes of ackwardly pretending like everythign was normal, we all went downstairs and didn’t speak of the penis pump.

Months later, I got to know my neighbors pretty well.  One night after a few drinks I brought up the penis pump story.  My neighbor informed me, “Yeah that guy that lived there was always bringing girls over.  I thought he was running a prostitution ring there for a while.  He had something going on over there.”

Questions remain.  Why would someone chuck a penis pump into the attic prior to selling their home.  Why not just throw it away?  Was this just where they stored it and they forgot to take it with them when they sold the apartment?  I now refer to this as the Penis Pump Mystery, and it is one that may never be solved.

I have since divorced and sold the apartment.  The penis pump remains sealed up in the attic of that apartment.  I never went up there to get it.  I was afraid to touch it actually.   I wonder if the new owner had a similar experience.  If so, maybe they’ll post a penis pump mystery of their own one day…

Anyhow here is what I buy….

Wedding mag: http://blackmeringue.co.uk/

Fashion & girly mag – Scarlet Mag: http://www.scarletmagazine.co.uk/